Suffice it to say, this is my first blog in a very, very long time. In fact, this is only the second time that I’ve really typed (or written) anything. Today is also my first day back at work, and strange as it sounds, it feels like I’m starting all over again. Sure I attended last Friday’s big rally in Ayala (exhausted afterwards, but very glad), but today is when I received my instructions for work, and what I’m supposed to be doing in the coming weeks.
All this time I’ve been staying at home. Almost two months I stayed with my mom and my sister in Cavite and slept 12-15 hours a day, and the rest of the time trying to eat, sometimes throwing up, mostly lacking in energy and appetite.Christmas 2007 came and went, and I did not feel the slightest holiday spirit because I was too tired and worried and yes, I felt downright ugly because of the low energy. I seldom brushed my hair, I skipped baths, I sat like fungus on the sofa and spent hours rereading all of Stephen King’s books. That and Winnie the Pooh.
Last January I experienced some bleeding, and I really don’t feel like going into that except to say that I had never been so afraid and worried in my entire life. I am so grateful to my mom for being so protective and supportive and tolerant of my moodiness. She and my sister made grocery runs and brought everything I said I felt like eating (which wasn’t much, but whenever I asked for something, anything, off they zipped to SM supermarket and got it). Kim at the time was away attending a physics conference in Bohol, and when he got back I mostly saw him during the weekends because he had a lot of work.
Now I’ve reached my 5th month of pregnancy, and I feel more or less like myself again. Gone are the feelings of vagueness and apathy (and sometimes antipathy) towards everything else that was going on in the world. I used to watch tv and scoff (gad, Hillary Clinton looks so power hungry!), but now, well, I’ve caught up with my mom and my doctor in being angry over the entire Lozada expose re ZTE. I suppose it’s a sign that I am me again.
My tummy is certainly larger, and none as in none of my pants and jeans fit. I really don’t mind, though – whenever I see old pictures of myself looking like a stick insect, I cringe. Now I have a fuller, rounder figure (harhar)!
It’s not easy to describe the relief and happiness I felt when the doctor’s Doppler instrument picked up my baby’s heartbeat last Saturday: it was the sound of hoofbeats, strong and regular; and our faces (Kim’s and mine) broke open in smiles. I wish I was able to record the sound, but I didn’t bring my MP3 player. Next time I’ll make sure that I have it with me.
There are so many things I had thought of writing about, but they’re now all mixed up in my head: thoughts about parenthood, fears about making mistakes, worries about giving birth, wondering what to name the baby (so far, it’s either Kimiko or Mackenzie), etc etc. Maybe in the coming days I’ll get my stories in coherent order and write something more organized.
This current and should be expected preoccupation and even obsession with all things Baby. Hay.
I talk to my tummy everyday, and sometimes when I look at the color plates of developing fetuses in the book Walkie lent me, I end up crying because, jeez, I have a little person growing inside me and I have never, literally been this close to anyone else!
When I watch or read the news I get pissed off on behalf of my precious passenger because gad, isisilang siya sa isang lipunan kung saan sandamakmak ang mga sinungaling at magnanakaw sa gobyerno at talamak ang kurapsyon at kriminalidad. My friend Alvin Firmeza has once made the cynical remark that given how things are in society, one should think twice, thrice before having children because gad, why subject them to all this chaos and depravity?! I agree, but heck, I will still have and keep my baby, thank you very much – he/she will be the best reason for me to continue being tibak, to continue trying despite the frustrations and the disappointments.