Wimps

This is the first picture taken of me with my growing tummy. With me are my officemates, and we’re on our way to attend the February 15 rally in Ayala. This Friday, the 29th, we will again be going to Ayala for the Interfaith rally (only this time around I think I’ll go on my own ahead of everyone else because they’ll be taking the MRT and I don’t want to go though the entire experience of risking getting maimed and crushed by the late afternoon herd of stampeding commuters. I’ll probably take the bus – slower, more expensive, but at least it’s more comfortable).

What else can be said about the recent statement of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP)? No call for resignation, just an appeal for heightened discernment.

That’s as spineless a call as anything I’ve heard. Jellyfish have more backbone, for crying out loud. It would’ve been better if the CBCP didn’t issue any statement at all; wala naman silang sinabing bago o nakakatulong. Why the heck did they gather for?! Waste of time and saliva, sheesh. My mom who’s sagrado catolico is actually (dare I use the phrase in relation to her who’s a colegiala) pissed off and fuming mad with disappointment. She’s been staying glued to the tv set monitoring the news and she says she feels like throwing up bile whenever she hears Bunye, Defensor, Atienza, Ermita and of course Macapagal-Arroyo spouting lies and denials. She was expecting more from the CBCP, but, well, she ended up disappointed.

Mom, I want to tell her, get used to disappointment when it comes to the CBCP.

Bishop Ted Bacani et al can only make excuses and pampalubag-loob appeals, practically apologizing for the statement their organization issued. Thanks, but no thanks, Fathers. Magra-rally na lang kami at tuloy lang ang panawagan para sa resignation at pagpapatalsik kay Gloria. Just honk if you feel like changing your minds about the wimpy stand you’ve taken.

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Last Sunday I went grocery-shopping with Kim in The Block. After 10 minutes of going through and around the aisles I felt a sudden tightening in my chest and my belly, and I was certain that I was going to heave very soon. Imagine suddenly needing to throw up in the middle of a crowded supermarket!

I left Kim with the cart and practically ran (what passes for running with a pregnant woman) to the exit where the customer service counter was and, thankfully, where there was a bench where geriatric customers or mothers with wailing and unpacifiable babies sometimes take refuge.

I all but collapsed on the seat and tried to calm myself and my breathing without looking like I was need of a trip to the clinic. It was hard work, trying to look okay when I was everything but. I could feel my merienda which unfortunately included greasy onion rings struggling to come out. Gad, I should be a given a trophy for the effort I made keeping everything down!

After five more minutes Kim came back with the groceries and proceeded to massage my palms and press my fingers. It helped some, to ease the nausea, but the tide cannot be stopped. Up and out came my merienda, and thank goodness the cashier at the chocolate counter gave Kim a plastic bag (thank goodness again, it wasn’t transparent but an opaque yellow green) or else I would’ve made a spectacle of myself and grossed everyone out.

The next day, I was fine at nakasama pa sa rally. Pregnancy is strange.

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• This cute piglet here is named Olivia, and she was created by artist Ian Falconer. She is rendered in charcoal and gouache, a water-soluble paint with chalk in it, and right now she’s my favorite character. She’s funny and smart and very makulit, and she has very high ambitions for a little girl-pig (she’s five). She wants to be an opera singer, a painter, a football player, a musician in a band, a ballet dancer, and a judge in the US Supreme Court.

I discovered her a few months back while browsing through books in the Children’s section in Power Books, and I fell in love with her right away. Ordinarily I cannot afford to get any Olivia books, but a few weeks back I lucked out and found a almost new, hardbound copy of one of the books in the series in a branch of Booksale for P65.

And then a few weeks previously, in an ukay-ukay store in Pasay I saw and consequently bought an Olivia t-shirt for P55.

Gil Grissom of CSI says that pigs are smarter than dogs and they’re very sensitive. Gad, it’s horrible that I can’t stop eating pork. Now everything I eat pork dishes it’s like I’m eating Olivia, horrid horrid. I wish I had the strength and discipline to be vegetarian. Gaah.

Waddling to Mendiola

Haha! Succeeded in marching with the rest of the BAYAN forces yesterday, from Welcome Rotonda to Mendiola. Okay, so maybe I waddled my way (my tummy is getting heavier every day), but it felt good to be part of a large crowd, contributing to something politically meaningful. Kim wanted me to stay home, but I insisted because I didn’t want to be left out yet again; and anyways, I already have energy to spare, and it wasn’t all that hard to join the rally because there was no running involved.

Also, am extra glad to have been there because it’s the first time in two years that a rally was allowed in Mendiola. So medyo historic.

Trolling through the various news servers this morning, I read contradicting reports (What else is new? this government has foot-in-mouth disease) about GMA’s admission that she knew that there were inherent flaws in the ZTE NBN contract even before she signed it. On the air last weekend , she said that she had to sign because she had no choice and it was so near the negotiations deadline and the Chinese government was breathing down her neck.

This morning, Malacananng spokesperson Ignacio Bunye is saying that GMA did not mean what the media says she meant when she said what she did about the ZTE contract. Duh?! How many ways can you interpret what she said? She signed the freaking thing, didn’t she? She admitted that she had been told that the contract had flaws; but she went ahead and signed it anyways.

Reminiscent of the time she said “I am sorry” when she admitted that she did talk to former Comelec commissioner Virgilio Garcillano during the midst of the 2004 presidential polls. Hay nakuuuu.

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The CBCP holding an important conclave this morning, in preparation for the Interfaith Rally on the 29th.

Sa tutoo lang, like so many Filipinos I am so disappointed with the CBCP leadership. They don’t really know whether to move forward or to stay put. Pretty wishy-washy attitude to what’s happening right now. What Filipinos need now is strong guidance from the country’s Church leaders, but since we’re not getting it from the CBCP, e di wag na silang hintayin! All paths lead to Mendiola.

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Sens. Joker Arroyo and Juan Ponce Enrile are doing their darnest against trying to delay the continuation of the senate Blue Ribbon Committee on the ZTE contract. Gad, Joker, you should just shut up and salvage what remains of your reputation. It’s already surreal how you’re working in tandem with martial-law henchmen Enrile; you shouldn’t further compound your sins!

–Engineer Dante Madriaga testifying about being the First Couple standing as protectors and guarantors of the ZTE Project. Grabe, nakakalula na ang laki ng perang panuhol na pinag-uusapan!
Nakakalula at nakakasuka. Truly, sindikato ang mag-asawang Arroyo!And all the under-the-table negotiations, bribes and kickbacks are all supposed to be in aid of election (the 2007 senatorial polls) and the husband-and-wife team’s increasing illegal hoard in preparation for their retirement.

Rally na! February 29, 2pm Ayala Rustan’s march to the Ninoy Statue!

Updates on my mommy-to-behood

Suffice it to say, this is my first blog in a very, very long time. In fact, this is only the second time that I’ve really typed (or written) anything. Today is also my first day back at work, and strange as it sounds, it feels like I’m starting all over again. Sure I attended last Friday’s big rally in Ayala (exhausted afterwards, but very glad), but today is when I received my instructions for work, and what I’m supposed to be doing in the coming weeks.

All this time I’ve been staying at home. Almost two months I stayed with my mom and my sister in Cavite and slept 12-15 hours a day, and the rest of the time trying to eat, sometimes throwing up, mostly lacking in energy and appetite.Christmas 2007 came and went, and I did not feel the slightest holiday spirit because I was too tired and worried and yes, I felt downright ugly because of the low energy. I seldom brushed my hair, I skipped baths, I sat like fungus on the sofa and spent hours rereading all of Stephen King’s books. That and Winnie the Pooh.

Last January I experienced some bleeding, and I really don’t feel like going into that except to say that I had never been so afraid and worried in my entire life. I am so grateful to my mom for being so protective and supportive and tolerant of my moodiness. She and my sister made grocery runs and brought everything I said I felt like eating (which wasn’t much, but whenever I asked for something, anything, off they zipped to SM supermarket and got it). Kim at the time was away attending a physics conference in Bohol, and when he got back I mostly saw him during the weekends because he had a lot of work.

Now I’ve reached my 5th month of pregnancy, and I feel more or less like myself again. Gone are the feelings of vagueness and apathy (and sometimes antipathy) towards everything else that was going on in the world. I used to watch tv and scoff (gad, Hillary Clinton looks so power hungry!), but now, well, I’ve caught up with my mom and my doctor in being angry over the entire Lozada expose re ZTE. I suppose it’s a sign that I am me again.

My tummy is certainly larger, and none as in none of my pants and jeans fit. I really don’t mind, though – whenever I see old pictures of myself looking like a stick insect, I cringe. Now I have a fuller, rounder figure (harhar)!

It’s not easy to describe the relief and happiness I felt when the doctor’s Doppler instrument picked up my baby’s heartbeat last Saturday: it was the sound of hoofbeats, strong and regular; and our faces (Kim’s and mine) broke open in smiles. I wish I was able to record the sound, but I didn’t bring my MP3 player. Next time I’ll make sure that I have it with me.

 

There are so many things I had thought of writing about, but they’re now all mixed up in my head: thoughts about parenthood, fears about making mistakes, worries about giving birth, wondering what to name the baby (so far, it’s either Kimiko or Mackenzie), etc etc. Maybe in the coming days I’ll get my stories in coherent order and write something more organized.

This current and should be expected preoccupation and even obsession with all things Baby. Hay.

I talk to my tummy everyday, and sometimes when I look at the color plates of developing fetuses in the book Walkie lent me, I end up crying because, jeez, I have a little person growing inside me and I have never, literally been this close  to anyone else!

When I watch or read the news I get pissed off on behalf of my precious passenger because gad, isisilang siya sa isang lipunan kung saan sandamakmak ang mga sinungaling at magnanakaw sa gobyerno at talamak ang kurapsyon at kriminalidad. My friend Alvin Firmeza has once made the cynical remark that given how things are in society, one should think twice, thrice before having children because gad, why subject them to all this chaos and depravity?! I agree, but heck, I will still have and keep my baby, thank you very much – he/she will be the best reason for me to continue being tibak, to continue trying despite the frustrations and the disappointments.